Going Back

Am I ready to go back?

It seems that what I thought would take long may actually come sooner than expected. Recently me and my family are facing a a certain problem that the solution, so it happens, is to go back.

Earlier this week my mom came to me and talked about it. We were to go home this coming Sunday early morn. As of now, I haven't packed my bags with this ambivalent feeling about this whole scenario of going back. I really am not sure whether to pack all my clothes up or leaves most of it since I'm not so sure about staying there. I may have great moments which I truly treasure and would wish to go back to yet there are all those painful moments, especially those head aching moments, that I do not wish to return to (or even come across face to face).

Honestly, at this very moment, trying to figure out how to keep my chin up on this matter, I am getting myself all focused on the fact that I have to face all the stuff that would somehow, as I return, would definitely make my blood boil....ahhhhhh!!!!!

There's no turning back now. I have to go and face it....hopefully this time they'll see someone more grown up and more of untouchable (someone not to mess up)....

Me and my walls....

I sit here typing away what I think is the best cure for being alone with the walls on my room.


They just left. My dad and my siblings. Presently they are on their way back to Sorsogon. It's back to school again for my siblings and right now I can't feel anything except the sadness of parting ways with them. God I miss them!


But three months (or maybe two), isn't long. They'll be back this summer vacation and my dad will still be coming here for my mom (for something very important).

As they were here, the two weeks became loud and cheerful. Though the entire house went into a whirlwind of unending mess (though we keep constant tidying), warmth filled it. My family was whole and we were blessed indeed, even with the struggles we faced.

It was a time when facts were placed in front of me at how blessed I was and the coward I've become to face the ghost that never existed.

It's already been an hour since they drove out. Earlier while they were waiting to enter the van as papa warmed it up, realizations came. Standing in the cold night, all dressed up for travel used to be my thing and right now I wished I was part of it again. I was missing travel. The views we passed by....the people we met along the way. Then there was also the destination--I was missing Sorsogon more....

How I wish I was dressed up and ready to get in the van with my siblings....How I wish to go back and spend days again there. But there are just some things that seems to keep me from going back....

Time will come that me and my mom will return to Sorsogon. Hopefully when that day comes it will be just like before--with our family whole and the our baby--Braumz (our dog), to squeez with us again with his wagging tail....

The New Year with a Bang!

I never allowed myself to skip mass especially with the new year coming, and just like misa de gallo, I came with my family and friends (this time with my younger brother while my two other siblings who were with us during Christmas mass was left to babysit my grandma).

As I sat there listening to the mass, I could already feel something wrong in me. I tried to hold the cough that's been pestering me the whole day and my nose seems to be holding a blow that wishes to expose itself. Luckily I was wearing a sweater to beat off any cause to add further havoc in my health.

Alas came twelve! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Feeling sorry for our shivering youngest--our pet dog Braumz, I went to the kitchen where we kept him, somehow trying to relieve his sensitive senses. Luckily I easily got him calmed down (though I think other family members already did before I came--atleast I helped). Good thing I was there for as soon as the clock struck twelve the noise became more louder than ever, from the rock music playing from our sound sytem (and the club mix of the neighbor), to the sound of firecrackers which may be pretty except for that odious stinge and smoke.....

Still it was indeed a Happy New Year!!!

My family was whole....

we have had so much blessings....

we were given a chance to be blessings.....

Though there were problems and there are still worries we presently face, I can feel that this year will be better than last time....I count on God for that!!!!

Extending the Yultide Cheers....

Finally! I got my hands on the computer--not to mention the net.

Christmas came and Christmas still remains, even after the 25th of December. And I must admit, so far it's been great. As a young adult, I now see the deeper meaning of Christmas behind the gifts and carols. It's been one heck of a week before Christmas, attending Misa de Gallo which afterwards went with me packing up goodies to give away to kids at Christmas morning. Then there's also my family whole this Christmas after school came to vacation and my siblings with my dad coming here (and as yours truly writes this, shares the room with sister-dearest).

Christmas came this year with a fulfilled heart. Misa de Gallo ended well, with my family coming to mass with me (except for my youngest brother who had to stay home to watch over my grandmother) and with me finally taking communion, which I must admit was a bit emotional experience (as I knelt down to thank the Lord for the opportunity to take him once again). Christmas was celebrated with Ham and spaghetti and salad--and a Korean flick (which I surprisingly enjoyed....)

Thus Christmas came with our belly's full and everyone tired. We may have slept earlier than most people did yet that was because we have to prepare for another Christmas celebration. Morning came busy for us. We all woke up early with the sounds of kids knocking on our doors for Christmas treats. As my sister goes distributing the goodies I packed (which I think I need to increase by next year), the rest of us went cleaning and cooking for Luncheon. Though still sleepy and tired from cleaning up, I found myself in a good mood (though a bit annoyed with some teenagers competing with kids for treats (OMG!).

The day went by nicely with family and friends gathering for lunch, and cards dealt later on at the veranda for a game. After the card game, I found myself in front of the television watching Harry Potter, that we have to stop soon to go to the neighbors house for yet another session of eating (ha! another inch added on my waistline).

So merry making went on 'till evening as we yet pushed our stomach's limit with a family friend dining with us for a night snack as we watched Marimar and later on continuing Harry Potter.

This may not be the usual Christmas many of us may have wished for and though 'till now I still feel as if we're celebrating, this is actually the first time I celebrated Christmas at an adults view point, behind the glitter of lights and decor.

My family's together...There's nothing more I could wish for...

Christ was born on the manger--in all simplicity and glory, a family created with his presence. He came to bring us salvation thus we have a lot to thank.....

And let me begin my thanks to God for giving me a wider view of what being blessed is all about--especially this Christmas....

When we are meek....

Just when I thought they were there for the chats.

The fifth night of Simbang Gabi started with the priest running late again (since he had also led a mass at another parish). And before all the prayers and the songs began that night, the chapel was filled with buzzings of adults chatting and kids running around, if not, making tantrums. There were few, I must say, whom I saw, whether kneeled or just sitting, who are praying while waiting.

A fast forward to the mass--with some kids still having fun, if not, sleeping, while mass was going on, I somehow felt a certain cheer within me. Something that night tells me that it was a night where I'd see something that should be seen from church goers--and it took me to sit back and wait while the communion was going on.

From the playing of kids to the chatting of adults, to certain teenage sweethearts and buddies fooling around (sorry!), The communion seem to have captured my attention unlike the previous nights. hhhmmm...maybe it's my view from where I sat.

Though the church was still jammed pack, it seem that that night there were only small numbers. Still, the huge number of those taking the communion was still undeniable. It was then that I saw that these people were there not just to hang out or make the church as their meeting place for date (or stop overs), there was also a lot of faith.

I don't know whether it was the homily that made that night's misa extra special. Definitely there were more faith intact that night, not that I'm saying that the previous nights never had. It just that the misa seemed more solemn that the previous ones.

It was also then that I saw the number of people falling in line to take Christ's body, or should I say "noticed". I've been there almost every night yet never realize the number of takers (maybe it's really the view where I sat).

Definitely, in the middle of the itchy nose and cold atmosphere, I saw that when it comes to worshiping God, there is always unity and eagerness to be the best.

As they said in the homily--nothing is impossible with the Lord....

Trinkets of Happiness

It's been a week since I saw a one of Mel and Joey's (a weekend show in GMA7) about a tinapa vendor who always makes it a point to shower kids in their place, candies, as a way of showing her thanksgiving to the Lord, for all the blessings she and her family received. And inspired as I am by her actions, I'll be doing the same.

Call me not original but the fact of sharing is enough to say at least I did something unselfish, especially this season of giving.

Earlier this afternoon, my mom and dad went to the grocery to pick up something for the fridge (hahaha--it's almost empty), and remembering what I wanted to do, my mom did extra shopping by adding to her list the goodies I planned to give. Promise, these are not candies with formalin....hahaha.

I plan to give this goodies to the carolers. Instead of giving coins to them for their banging and clinking of their instrument as they sing those Christmas carols (including a Christmas station ID of one of the television network), I'll be giving these little trinkets to them, hoping they will like it, and not fight over it (unlike past Christmas where kids are fighting over their share of carol earnings).

Tomorrow will be a busy day. And tonight, as I end my venture in cyberspace, I leave you with a note:

If in the past you've felt down with the way your life has been, try to look in front of you. For the tiniest smile that appears on your face is already a promise of a great day for the rest of the universe......

Be thankful for your blessing....

Simbang Gabi....

December 15, 2007--Instead of tomorrow early morn, Misa de Gallo (Rooster's mass), was held earlier, this night, in our local parish, for the folks of our subdivision who wishes to attend and complete the nine day mass without having to wake early morn.

The church was full of chirping of his and hellos from the good people of our community as we waited for the priest who came just in time. Aaahhhh! it was indeed a good beginning for us.

Misa de Gallo, or most popularly known in Filipino as Simbang Gabi (Night mass), is a nine day novena mass in preparation for Christmas. This is a very important tradition as it is an act of showing devotion to one's faith and the high anticipation to the Nativity of Christ. Usually it starts at the sixteenth of December 'till the twenty-fourth or Bisperas ng Pasko (Christmas Eve), starting as early as four in the morning. . But besides passion behind the mass, there is also a traditional Filipino belief that completing the mass may mean God granting a faithful's favor or wish.

A faithful's wish....

I have had my part in wishing and completing the mass. So far there were wished that were granted and those not. This time, though I am very much aware that I won't be able to complete it--to give way to my mom and dad who wishes to attend the mass as while yours truly will be taking with them in watching over my grandma--I still kept hold of my faith in God upon granting my wish (an unselfish wish that right now I cannot tell).

Misa de gallo gave a good start earlier as we were led by a priest from Bangladesh. I must admit, though at first, I was a bit worried whether I'll have a difficult time in understanding what he spoke (due to his accent), I found his homily's message clear....

It was indeed very enlightening to listen to his homily. Behind the wandering and chattering of children at the back, where I am seated, I find myself awake and zealously listening to his words. It was indeed, I must admit, one of the best Simbang gabi that I attended.

He started off the homily with a little trivia of where the Misa de gallo started--that it dated back during the Spanish era. Then he mentioned the three decades of the filipinos' state during those times when this nation was under the Spaniards rule. It was then that he had connected this to the Exodus where us, God's children, has seen the light as we break free from all that has oppressed us. That was indeed a reminder of appreciating a speck of light in the dark where we truly see its beauty.

The message of the homily? Attending mass isn't just about asking for favors, but actually reflecting and awaiting Jesus Christ's coming. In the end, as we break free, we must always keep hold of faith and give thanks to the Lord for every bit of blessing he has given, no matter the quantity.

Tomorrow will be my parents' turn to attend. As I type this, I bear in mind the faith I have so pledge my confidence to--the faith in God that he'll be answering this prayer of mine. And this faith I offer to him in thanks for all the kindness he has given me and my family--thanking him for giving me blessings enough for me to share....

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Reference:

Christmas in the Philippines